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BOOK RECOMMENDATIONSI've been reading ever since I could remember. My mum told me that as a child my reading level was always above my age mates. (It helps that my mum is a teacher who prioritized early learning).
My favorite memory to date is being gifted the book "The Brer Rabbit Book" by Enid Blyton.
During high school and community college, I did book reviews and recommendations with my friends which later became a big thing as I sometimes got texts and emails asking for a recommendation.
Nowadays, I am a member of an informal book club and I occasionally join reading challenges online.
The wonderful thing about books is that there is no limit to what you can learn and experience. Do enjoy this list that I've lovingly created (and will regularly update) for you all.
While deciding what books to recommend I had an epiphany! I'm sure you'll understand what it was after reading a few of these books. I initially thought to write a short synopsis of each, but I've decided that I would let you judge a book by its cover. Happy reading!
My goodreads library
Beloved books of 2023
JANUARY
WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINISTS
FEBRUARY
THE ART OF LOVING
MARCH
HUMAN ACTS
APRIL
THE ONES WHO WALKED AWAY FROM OMELAS
MAY
ALMOND
JUNE
INTO THE MAGIC SHOP
JULY
THE GOLDEN NOTEBOOK
AUGUST
THE ALCHEMIST
SEPTEMBER
THE LITTLE PRINCE
OCTOBER
1984
NOVEMBER
A Collection of Poems
DECEMBER
A Collection of Poems
My favourite 2024 reads
JANUARY
Death of Kings
FEBRUARY
Confessions of An Alleged Good Girl
MARCH
Master Your Emotions
Hi! I read these somewhere along the year. Enjoy.
Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life
Heidi
Death's Obsession
What I've read in 2025
The full moon coffee shop
Comparisonitis
Diary of a Void
The Power of a Humble Life
A Little Princess
What I'm reading in 2026
EGO is the Enemy
Disability Intimacy: Essays on Love, Care, and Dreams
Whispers of the Deep
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
How depression saved my life
Slow Poison
My Sister, the serial killer
I have something to say.
Welcome to the rooms of my mind palace.
We know too much about each other.
What is rest for you?
For me, rest is reading a good book, playing with my puppy, and doing nothing.....
There is sort of trauma associated with being a woman; at least that's what I believe. From the womb to our first breaths we are so assigned so many labels that we sometimes never get to shake off or grow out of.
Communities aren’t only physical spaces. They are systems, structures of support, culture, guidance, and criticism which we all need.
Do you like me? Why? Is your perception of me based on direct interaction with me or is it a preconceived notion based on secondhand information or prejudice?
It's important that we have room in ourselves for growth and not just for professional development or to have something else on our resume to get a promotion in six months.
The problem arises when young people curate their entire personalities based on trending aesthetics and self-improvement hacks from a random person with a high subscriber count.
There are people who have no regard for us, no regard for how hard we work, how much effort we put into things, no regard for our love, our time, and our boundaries. They don’t even care and yet we almost go out of our way to listen to what they have to say about us.
Learning something new can be stressful in the beginning and maybe you might improve from a beginner’s level to an intermediate level to an advanced level but that still doesn’t mean that we're an expert at whatever it is we're doing. You don't need to be the best baker, nor the best tutor, painter, or writer. I think we can sometimes settle for enjoyment over mastery.
I hope that as much as we all set numerous goals, major and tiny ones alike, we remember that those lists don’t define us. There are things to accomplish, boundaries to redefine, adventures to be had, and an amazing life to experience. You deserve these things as well. I wish continued success and many opportunities for everyone open to receiving them. May you all be safe and well in 2024.
I’m learning a lot lately. I put myself out there a bit more and consequently, I’ve been experiencing new things. It's been quite fun. Jarring, but fun. This month has been a lot for me.
We get defensive and upset when someone treats us differently than the day before, and instead of giving them space or acknowledging their bad mood, we take it personally. This centering of ourselves in other people’s misery and the entitlement to their kindness is something that we all must work on throughout our lifetime
Do you miss someone? Have you told them? When was the last time you called your dad?!
When was the last time you cried? Did it feel good?
A lot of us become ‘busy’ to avoid dealing with unpleasant emotions and situations. We avoid conversations, people, and tasks that will make us uncomfortable. With the things we can’t avoid, we minimize their impact on our lives and pretend we have everything figured out. We can’t control everything, but we try. This is part of what I call ‘The Human Condition’. We’re flawed beings so we revel in that and use it as an excuse for unbecoming behavior.
You shouldn’t feel guilty for leaving and growing up. You don’t have to apologize for prioritizing your dreams and your happiness. Sometimes we have to leave the space we’ve known all our lives to discover beautiful AND ugly parts of ourselves. Sometimes, we’ve learned all we can from one space and that’s okay. Leaving family and friends is scary, but what’s worse is missing out on moments and opportunities because you don’t want to upset some people. The more we learn and become better versions of ourselves, the better we can take care of those we love.
We don’t always get things right on the first attempt and we shouldn’t hold that expectation over everyone’s heads. It’s important to acknowledge the potential of others and the resources they have access to, but it’s not right to condemn them when they don’t meet your expectations.
I’m so proud of all of us because we’ve been working hard, we’ve been putting in the effort, we’ve been crying and loving and breaking and lying and screaming, but most importantly we've been learning, and I think that’s worth celebrating. I think our bravery, our courage, and our strength especially in 2024 is not something to take lightly.
If something doesn’t work out, don’t wear the coats of disappointment and failure for too long. Be hopeful for its success later on. You never know what new opportunity might come your way when something you thought you desperately wanted doesn’t work out.
It's only right that we engage in actions that benefit us, make us smile, and put us at ease. The love we are craving from someone else feels even better after we’ve given it to ourselves.
Sometimes we’re being steered into directions that don’t align with our goals and the confusion of a new path is always scary. Complain, cry, vent, and scream, but don’t give up on yourself. Believe that things will work out in some way.
It requires extensive work to learn what you like after you’ve spent so much time worrying about someone else and catering to their needs.
Cry. Cry to whoever you believe in. I cried to my God. He loves me so much that he listened to me. Cry. Cry to your god, your friend, you dad or your partner. Take care of yourselves,
My brother finished his PhD and I’ve been acting as though I’m the one who did the work. One of my favorite writers finished her masters degree and a friend of mine started therapy.
Make it a habit to be present in your daily life. Of course there are some days where we go through the motions because everything feels routine and boring. Those days are important too. Having a record of those mundane days can help in many ways. I worry that many of us are running away from ourselves. I do it too.
Please develop the habit of asking. The first hurdle is to let go of the shame of asking and then tackling our pride. The need to look like we have everything together is stifling moments of connection and clarity. There is no reward in struggling unnecessarily. You don’t get an extra medal for doing long division on paper when calculators are available.
We center ourselves in our friends’ pain so much because we’re desperate to get them feeling better and whole again that we miss the chance to really understand what they need. We want our friends to be happy, smiling and sharing jokes, so we often gloss over gut-wrenching confessions to get back to the good stuff. We have long conversations of nothing, giving unsolicited advice, and forcibly redrawing boundaries already well established.
We invest a lot of time into other people when we should be taking care of ourselves. Much of living is already demanding. Please dedicate time to resting how you like. I’d go to a museum and walk around for hours then have a late lunch with a friend. Rather that denouncing your friends’ or other people’s wants, do what fills you up first. You’d find that the more you cater to your own needs, the better company you are and the more stories you have to tell.
Who is to say that the shame everyone says to bring back will not derail our own lives? “How can she walk the road with her head help high when everyone knows what she did?” What is she supposed to do? Cower at home and never walk outside? Why? To appease you, gatekeeper of shame? It seems as though shame is meant to punish people in the harshest way possible, but neither you nor I are worthy of such power.
BRING BACK SHAME!
Hi everyone.
I'm sure we've all heard the phrase "Bring back shame" or participated in conversations where someone asks "You ain't shame?".
Bring back shame? Yes, but to what extent? At whose expense?
I must admit that when I wrote this piece initially I was livid. I have then since edited it. Moving on.
Shame does not have a perfect victim. There is no set symbol or status of a person who has been targeted and lives with shame. I think in our current culturally and socially accepted definition, to shame someone means to talk about their disappointments, failures and shortcomings as some sort of moral falling from grace, all while denying them basic human decency and opportunities. It is the idea that a person or a group of people is somehow less than us because they made a choice that we do not approve of. They deliberated and performed an action that led to an outcome that was distasteful to our standards, and it is our duty to make that known.
Bring back shame? Okay. I do think that some people do silly things and should have their actions addressed, but who gets to do that? Who is the righteous person to say “What transpired was wrong. These other righteous people and I are going to shame you.”?
Who are you, who am I, who are we, to become the gatekeepers and deliverers of shame? Is it that every time someone does something bad in our eyes we’re supposed to shame them?
Why do we selectively choose who, what, and when to shame? What are the perimeters of shame? What boundaries are we upholding and not crossing? There is the argument that society and social norms determine these things, but we the people who constitute the society create these norms. What gives us the right to dole out shame as though we are judge, jury, and executioner?
I say executioner because many people take their own lives as a result of shame. In fact, in many places around the world, women and children are killed because of perceived notions of shame. Recently, there was news of a father strangling his daughter while apologizing as a way to erase the shame she apparently brought on their family because she loved another person. Victims of shame are dehumanized and we would read about it online, become enraged and state that things have gone too far, all while practicing, performing, and reacting to someone else’s shaming. Where then is the line in the sand?
I was talking to someone on the phone recently and they mentioned that they did something and felt uncomfortable while they were walking because they felt as though everyone around them knew and was shaming them. I felt stuck there. We all know shame can derail someone’s life or lead to changed behavior. You’d do better on a test after you failed the previous one which led to your parents being disappointed and your cousins laughing at you. But what about when we take it too far?
Who is to say that the shame everyone says to bring back will not derail our own lives? “How can she walk the road with her head help high when everyone knows what she did?” What is she supposed to do? Cower at home and never walk outside? Why? To appease you, gatekeeper of shame? It seems as though shame is meant to punish people in the harshest way possible, but neither you nor I are worthy of such power.
We morally police each other when we’re all vulnerable to the same systems. Did this person raise awareness about this thing? How does this person feel about this event? What are your views on this and that? Based on the response, we decide whether or not shame is to be exacted on that person. We impose shame on others because they made decisions that we wouldn’t. Shame has no perfect victim. A fall from grace can look like failing a class and suddenly becoming the black sheep in the family. It can be telling your mummy a secret and she tells her sister, and the sister tells her friend, and the friend calls their cousin with the news and suddenly everyone in you area knows. Then someone posts about it on twitter and it gets screenshotted and ends up on a slide on instagram. With the way that shame spreads, what gives us the right to dictate who should be shamed and what is shameful?
When we take away opportunities from people because they failed once, we’re denying them the chance to grow, thus shaming them and making them small. When someone does something wrong in the house and the family covers it up in fear of shame, who is taking care of the individual who was hurt? What exactly are we teaching them about themselves?
There are those who are of particular social standing and of the idea that shame does not affect them as much and they have enough social capital that whatever it is will blow over. Does that mean you are able to dole out more shame than others simply because of a perceived social status? Are you immune to some impacts of shame? Why?
Let’s be cognizant of the way we speak of others and how we react to things we hear. We’ve all been victims of shame, whether self imposed or otherwise. Navigating life well is already a full time job, we don’t need people faking screenshots and anonymously DMing others to kill themselves. Shame and empathy are not divorced.
Prioritize your idea of rest
Hello everyone. I’ve been in a happy mental space lately and I wanted to share that with you.
I always get sentimental whenever I get some time to myself. My job and other daily obligations take quite a lot out of me, so I indulge in many cozy hobbies that bring me back to Earth and ground me.
It’s important to make time to enjoy your life in the way that you like. Many of us enjoy being with friends, and because we don’t see them as often as we’d like, we jump straight into doing many things together. I think we’re desperate to create memories together so that when we’re apart or struggling, we have fun times to look back on. Funnily enough, running around with friends can still leave us feeling drained. We prioritize the giggling, going out, running around, and casual day drinking so much so that some of us forget that we recharge in different ways.
Now, this isn’t to say don’t spend time with your friends. Friendship bonds need nurturing and care just like any other. In fact, I’d argue that friendship is one of the most important bonds that humans can create and maintain. Unlike family, which many of us feel an obligation towards, friends willingly come into our lives and stay with us. They’re often not forced by proximity or blood ties. Nonetheless, prioritizing the habits and ideas of rest from others over your own can prove to be detrimental.
I’ve made it my mission to fully immerse myself in the things I like this July. I wanted to travel, have solo late dinners, visit museums, catch up on anime, and, most importantly, sleep. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t often sleep like I should, and many of you were quite concerned. I am grateful and touched by your care. I’ve been sleeping so well lately. I hope that puts some of your minds at ease.
I’d sleep well, wake up, shower, wear a pretty outfit, and have a cup of tea while writing. That’s my ideal morning. When work is like a guillotine over me, it’s difficult to wear all the pretty outfits that I envision because of time constraints and exhaustion, so every chance I get I’m in heels and a long wide legged pants or flowy skirt.
Recently, I’ve been writing early in the morning while watching the city slowly wake up. There’s something so lovely about watching tiny humans go about their day from high floors that fuels my inspiration. A few days ago, I sat at my desk and wrote a short story. I loved it, and from the response, many other people love it too. Tooting my own horn here, I write short stories really well. I reread what I’ve done and fall in love with my characters all over again.
A month ago someone was asking for particular recommendations, and I brazenly linked one of my stories. Guys. Guys. The way my readership jumped was amazing. I’ve been telling my friends, “Closed mouths don’t get fed.” In fact, I shared that with you guys recently too. I took my own advice. I shared my work with a new audience, and it made such a wonderful difference. I decided to go out to celebrate and before heading to my reservation, I called the restaurant and told them that it was a celebratory night for me. The lady asked me what I wanted and I told her that I was unsure, but please be extra kind to me. The owner came out to greet me and I had such a lovely time. I got complimentary dessert among other things. That was possible because I decided to spend my time off in a way that suits me and I was generously rewarded for it. Writing that piece happened because I prioritized a slow morning instead of jumping to be around other people.
Let that be a gentle reminder that living your free time in the way you want can never be a waste. Even if cool things don’t happen to you like it did to me, you still get to relax. Rest is vital in such a fast pace world. Many of us hardly get to slow down because when we have time, we’re pulled into algorithms that feed us quick and convenient content. We’re always on to the next thing without realizing that we’re spending hours scrolling that could have been time we dedicate to a hobby.
We invest a lot of time into other people when we should be taking care of ourselves. Much of living is already demanding. Please dedicate time to resting how you like. I’d go to a museum and walk around for hours then have a late lunch with a friend. Rather that denouncing your friends’ or other people’s wants, do what fills you up first. You’d find that the more you cater to your own needs, the better company you are and the more stories you have to tell.
I always enjoy letting you have a peek into my mind. I hope something what you’ve read here resonated with you, and if not, I like to think that you got to know a little better. Stay safe and healthy.
Trusting
Hello everyone.I’ve thought long and hard about how to share this. I was running around in circles because I couldn’t get it out of my head, but I was so scared to address what this could mean for me as a person. In the end, I decided to put a bow on a slanted sandcastle. I want to preface this by saying I got permission to write about this, though vaguely, and the person is excited to read this. (I love you so much, and I’ll never ever take you for granted. Your heart is so lovely and sincere and good and fulgent and sparkly and pretty and wonderful and kind and special and)
Recently someone I love was going through a difficult time and they trust me enough to be vulnerable. They didn’t want advice or one of my elaborate positive speeches. (I’m great at those btw, call me). My friend wanted me to listen and that’s what I did. I think sometimes we get confused about what people want from us, or we push past the boundaries they set. It takes great courage to be vulnerable, so we must never take that for granted. The trust someone places in us must always be safeguarded. The need to fix and fix and fix takes away opportunities to learn through a difficult time or simply feel supported by a quiet friend on a long-distance call.
I don’t sleep like I should. I wake up at weird hours and when that happens pretty cool things occur. Sometimes I take a call from a friend, I call a friend, I catch a BTS weverse live, I get a story idea and many other cool things. That said, it still worries me and my friends when I wake up at 2 am.
My friend needed me at 2 am and I never felt more scared yet full of love. They talked for more than an hour, pausing often unable to gather their thoughts, scared to put some words together, and frustrated with themselves for needing to share what they were feeling. We navigated that uncertainty and frustration together, knowing that at least if things crash and burn, we’d have each other.
What do you do when someone you know shares a secret that can upset their life? Have you ever felt a desperate need to hold someone through the phone?
Most of us drifted physically from what we grew up to believe was normal. We’re in different stages of life and experiencing the world away from many people we love. I think that makes comforting others harder. We center ourselves in our friends’ pain so much because we’re desperate to get them feeling better and whole again that we miss the chance to really understand what they need. We want our friends to be happy, smiling and sharing jokes, so we often gloss over gut-wrenching confessions to get back to the good stuff. We say “life is lifing” to cover up the fact that we don’t have the answers for our friends and push pass their pain as if that person isn’t already breaking. We don’t listen enough. I think sometimes we’re scared to see ourselves in the people we love. We have long conversations of nothing, giving unsolicited advice, and forcibly redrawing boundaries already well established.
My brother says I should always look for a solution, but I think he’s forgotten the art of complaining, but doing it anyway (I love you, Ash). My friend is like this. They keep things bottled up because they believe the way through something is to have an elaborate plan that is both efficient and emotionally distant. They’re sensitive, so they try to navigate problems from a logical perspective. That of course leads to calls that break my heart and words spilt that can’t be taken back.
Your heart knows what you need. Trusting people you love is scary but going through life trying to figure out how to jump over a mole hole instead of nagging about it to your friends while you slowly walk around it seems exhausting.
I think much of what we need is already in our lives. The people we need and the safety we crave to be vulnerable already exist, but nurturing those connections and spaces always proves to be a challenge. Complaining to the people you love can prove to be motivation you need to finish a project or end a relationship. I often say that we need to narrate our experiences out loud to fully understand the messes we get ourselves in. Similarly, our friends only need us to listen sometimes. Rather than being annoyed that they’re walking in circles in a deserted pavilion, dust a bench off and get cross-eyed from following them around. You will need that steady presence too soon enough.
Be safe and well.
Ask for help today!
Hello everyone, how have you been? I went out with a friend recently and they mentioned that I always say "Let's ask someone", and they found it funny. There's nothing funny about being confused and feeling helpless. Someone will know something or point me to where I can be assisted well. There are more kind people around than we think. There is no reward in suffering unnecessarily. I think many of us are worried about looking stupid or being seen as lacking by others. We're all on Earth for the first time and we don’t know everything. Of course the shame and hesitation comes from real moments of push back and negative reactions from people, but it's not right to let that become a stumbling block in your way. If we practise being kind to others when they ask for help, then I think others will in turn be kind to us when we need assistance.
Please develop the habit of asking. The first hurdle is to let go of the shame of asking and then tackling our pride. The need to look like we have everything together is stifling moments of connection and clarity.
Struggling alone causes more anxiety than we need. Think about how children are taught to raise their hands in class when they’re confused and encouraged to say “Please" and “Thank you” in those moments. When did we stray away from those ideals? Similarly at work or in new situations, the best way to complete tasks that seem difficult is to receive assistance from someone who knows more than you. If you’re at a bank and you’re unsure of what department would help you , would you turn around and go home? Probably not. You’d ask the guard or find someone who works there who looks like they know what they’re doing to point you in the right direction. Apply that resolve everywhere in your life. We miss out on meeting wonderful people and being exposed to exciting opportunities by staying quiet.
Asking for help looks differently for many people. When you’re unsure of what a word means and you google it, that’s you asking for help. When you want to wear a pretty dress and go to your mum so she can zip it up, that’s you asking for help. I fear that we’ve spun asking for help into a larger than life concept, so much so that we forget much of our daily living is reliant on other people stepping up. It’s not only the big things like asking for a job, asking your manager for a step by step explanation of how a system works, or even asking someone for money; the little things matter too. In fact, we should start asking for help with small things. You’d be surprised at how two hours agonizing over a task can turn into 30 minutes of work after asking for help. We invite a lot of mental stress into our lives that make our days long and frustrating. Many of us cannot abscond from our daily tasks, so it’s best to do them well with assistance.
While doing my MBA, I made it a point to ask others for help because some of the content was difficult for me to grasp. When we had forum discussions, I’d look to see who applied concepts well and reached out to them, which was beneficial. In high school and college I was exceptional at history so my classmates would always come to me for help and I prided myself in that. Similarly, I’d ask for help with math and chemistry. We had a symbiotic system that ensured we all performed well in our respective areas of struggle. In today’s society however, it seems as though much of that is lost or stifled.
Alternatively, there are people who have suffered and make that their entire personality. Because they had to learn through difficult means, they dismiss other people and express annoyance when they are approached for help. Furthermore, they go out of their way to make the process even more difficult. I’m sure many of us have encountered individuals like that. Do not become those people. We look at those people with contempt and wonder why they want to make our lives difficult. It’s because they’re resentful that they had a hard time and how dare you try to make your experience easier than theirs. It’s best to work around those people when possible.
Let me reiterate, there is no reward in struggling unnecessarily. You don’t get an extra medal for doing long division on paper when calculators are available. Take care of yourself and ask for help.
Keep a record of your life.
Hello everyone. How have you been? I hope that you have been having good days. I’ve missed writing to you.
These days I’ve been telling myself how proud I am of everything that I’m doing. Some of you may recall me saying that every achievement is a major one and deserves to be celebrated. More than ever before I am seeing the truth in those words. With every effort I make, I think I’ve gotten more appreciative of every checked box and unplanned fun experience. The “Month Blessings” section of my journal has been taking up more space lately and It’s always so wonderful to look back at the things that made me feel great about myself. I do my best to record those lovely things when they happen. I’ve spent some time going through a few of my old journals and the character development is incredible to witness. I can see when I started liking something, when I moved past a hurtful situation, and when my perspective about some issues shifted. Being able to put my feelings in a way where I can understand them plainly has allowed me to avoid certain situations again. Do you keep a reccord of your life?
Many things pass by in life and we forget them because we hardly make note of them somewhere we can check again. I made it my mission to remember as much of my life as I can. I get to giggle, frown and reminisce about things that are not at the forefront of my mind anymore. Please keep a physical record of your life. Pictures are wonderful mediums of preservation, but I think that writing your thoughts is even more powerful. It’s great to see what you did on a fun day, but writing about your feelings and a funny accident carries more weight and its;s almost like you’re able to feel the memory more. I am biased to writing and journaling.
Make it a habit to be present in your daily life. Of course there are some days where we go through the motions because everything feels routine and boring. Those days are important too. Having a record of those mundane days can help in many ways. I worry that many of us are running away from ourselves. I do it too and I acknowledge it out loud. There are times when I’m scared to journal because it means unpacking an unconformable experience and being honest about how my actions contributed to my discomfort. Sometimes that means realizing that someone you trust disrespected you and you allowed it to happen for a long time.
Many of us fill our days with distractions disguised as important tasks because we don’t want to sit with our feelings. Some of my light bulb moments happened when I put my phone down and allowed my mind to wander. It’s fascinating how many people take a back seat in their own lives and become surprised when they end up in situations they cannot explain because they let life happen to them without learning anything. Many things are avoidable guys. I promise you.
Additionally, please live well. Do things alone and with people you care for. Go out, laugh and have fun. The worst thing you can do is look back at the past few weeks and realize that you did nothing but work and feel stressed. Make memories that can carry you though rough times and bring you closer to yourself. You’re more interesting as a person when you have stories to tell. This has become increasingly more apparent in today’s social climate. Many young people are rejecting the home to work to home culture and instead are traveling and engaging with cool hobbies. I highly recommend taking spontaneous trips, long walks and saying yes more often when you receive invitations. Some of my fondest memories are as a result of acting with spontaneity and having a bit of courage. Having a record of those experiences reminds me that there is much to do in life and many incredible people to connect with. This also allows you access to many opportunities when you encounter the right people. I’d rather sit and converse with someone who has interesting stories to tell rather than an individual who felt stuck in their life and stayed where they were. Write a list of the thing you want to experience and the places you a to explore. Look back at that list often, you’ll see that you will start doing things that will align with things on that list.
Before I go, writing and journaling is NOT a gendered activity. I am so tired of having this conversation with people who really should know better. Live life well and record it the way you want to. I hope this resonated with you or gave you the courage needed to make a decision that would lead to a fond memory in the future. Take care.
Cool people do cool things!
Cool people do cool things. Period. October has been such an incredibly trying yet fulfilling month. I’m happy when when people I know achieve wonderful things. Every achievement is a huge one. I’ve been ringing that in the heads of my friends so much that these days I get cute messages and an occasional email about finishing a book on schedule, a cup of tea made just right and masters degrees well deserved. The pages of October 2025 are so beautiful and humbling in my journal. I cannot stop praising everyone and typing pretty words.
I spilled all over the pages again. Congratulations to everyone who’s been working hard to accomplish goals and check off boxes. For many of you the road has been daunting and filled with unexpected twists. Yet you persevered! As I wrote that I’m reminded of one of our independence songs, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way”.
How timely. I’ve been grinning at my phone so much this month. You’re all doing well. As I said, cool people do cool things.
My brother finished his PhD and I’ve been acting as though I’m the one who did the work. I’m so proud of him. His achievement was a big motivator in writing this. I’ve been sending congratulatory texts all month, but this is closer to home. One of my favorite writers finished her masters degree and a friend of mine started therapy. My dad and I spoke about how hearing such news makes his heart race and fills him with pride. Of course, my brother and I joked about the emojis my dad sent as part of his congratulations. I’ve been sending lots of hearts and confetti. Now I feel like I need another masters degree. (Also, academic validation is like a drug to me). I’ve been contemplating how the people I interact with influence me and my decisions. It's important that we have people in our lives who exhibit the behaviors we wish to emulate and achieve.
As a 20 something year old human, navigating our current world is proving to be an arduous task , but amidst all the unnecessary fighting and hurt our generation is accomplishing remarkable things and breaking barriers. Everyone is doing their thing and walking in their purpose. Girls I went to school with are now women creating meaningful change in various industries across the world. Please keep doing what you do. There’s much to experience and the world is your playground. Mold it to your will disregarding all the noise.
Recently I had a conversation with a friend about something I achieved, but I was scared to acknowledge. In fact, I posted about it and when the first congratulatory text came I deleted it because it felt too real and I was scared of acknowledging my own hard work. Since then I’ve gotten more comfortable accepting that my work deserved acknowledgement. I hope that we can continue to support each other. Lovely things are happening on my side of the pond too. I’m a cool person myself.
You’re all beautiful beings and you’re all doing well. I pray your trials all end in full bloom. Take care.
Hello everyone. How are you?
I know it’s been a while since I’ve shared anything with you. I’ve been going through a lot. A while ago it got to a point where I sat on my sofa and cried. I leaned my head back and cried saying “Jesus, help me please. I don’t know what going on. I don’t know what I need but I am not okay and I need help to feel like myself again”. So, this is me coming to you feeling more like myself again. There is no shame in vulnerability to me, so I hope you guys can take away something positive from this.
I missed writing so much. I have a specific idea in my head about what writing should look like for me, but for the past couple months I haven’t been writing in the way that reflects that. I wasn’t doing what I know works for me. I wrote and I felt good about what I wrote, but I knew in the back of my mind it wasn’t what I wanted it to be. It was difficult. That’s why I haven’t shared anything with you here in a while.
Thank you to everyone who checked in and asked about the articles. Thank you for being supportive. I appreciate you so much. We engage in wonderful discussions, and they mean the world to me. Some of you are so shy and I find it incredibly endearing. If you're going to be shy forever, that’s okay. Your texts, DMs and massages have such a positive influence on my mental health. Know that you are making a positive impact on me. That being said, I was reminded by someone close to me (who I can see with just a train ride) that there are people in my world who are also interested in and anticipating my work. It happened right after I started feeling good again. It was what I needed to write in a way that felt like a coming home.
Guys, I was going through it and I couldn’t understand why. My days were difficult. I’d sit in my bed at the end of the day thinking “What the fuck was that? Why did I have to go through that? Why am I expending so much energy going through this?”
I think what I want to tell you guys right now is to cry. Please. That might sound immature or cringe to some of you, but I think crying works wonders. I’ve always been a crier. I spoke to my dad recently and he said, “You love to cry, but baby you don’t need to cry.” Even if your situation doesn’t improve the next day or two weeks after, the point is that you let yourself release a bit. I think that’s wonderful. I cried. It wasn’t a loud sobbing session. I put my head back and kept wiping my eyes until I decided to feel what was happening fully. I talked to Jesus about how I was feeling and by the end of it, it was time for me to go to bed. I said what I had to, I felt what I had to, I prayed and it was enough. From that day I started feeling much better and I made sure to acknowledge the shift.
To make things even better, two goals that I wrote for this month were met and surpassed. I owe that to my tears and Jesus loving me.
So cry to whoever you believe in. I cried to my God. He loves me so much that he listened to me. Cry. Cry to your god, your friend, you dad or your partner. Take care of yourselves. I will be visiting you more because writing feels like me again and I love sharing with you.
Hello everyone. How are you?
Lately, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I cannot venture into someone else’s mind and fix things. I cannot change anyone or force them to see things from my perspective even when I am hurt and I think that I did nothing wrong. At times I think I am undeserving of the vitriol pushed in my face, but I am not responsible for another person’s action or opinions. Of course this is something that I’ve always known. While growing up you would hear people say you can take a horse to a well but you can't make him drink water; and I’ve known that, but the past couple of months have really been a test on my patience, my boundaries, my understanding, and my kindness. I’ve had to experience things that I never thought I would ever have to encounter. Sometimes we love people so much that we sacrifice ourselves, become vulnerable, accept uncomfortable behaviours, conversations and emotional violence. We self-destruct in the name of love and care.
I think women in particular work hard to protect and shield other people so much so that we forget just how precious we are as well. For a long time in the back of my mind I would tell myself that I have to hold everything together and make difficult decisions to safeguard relationships, and I did so with all the love in my heart and every ounce of my being. Unfortunately, the effort, time, finances and care we expend into something might not always match the returns and that’s a dangerous situation to be in. You now have to unlearn ideas and habits that you’ve picked up. It requires extensive work to learn what you like after you’ve spent so much time worrying about someone else and catering to their needs. Many people are used to going back on their words because they care for and that person is used to you disrespecting your own boundaries because you love them and so they think that things will always remain that way. When that changes, nothing feels normal or good about your relationship with them anymore.
Young women who have access to particular things and experiences have to deal with accusations of selfishness when protecting our peace and accepting that some people just cannot change. What’s really interesting is that it doesn’t get any easier. You still have to deal with this emotional turmoil and get up every day and go to work, be sociable, be present and contribute. That is the reality of our world, but it can be quite the burden. It can be disheartening to navigate new aspects of relationships that you thought wouldn’t change negatively. We somehow adapt the mentality that doing our best in relationships would negate the chances of life changing upheaval. You've been so sure in your devotion to whatever this thing is that hurts when you could see people walking to their deaths and you're yelling at them to be careful, but they walk even faster towards their doom. Recently I took some time for myself but someone who I’ve always disregarded my boundaries for hurt me during that quiet time of mine and it felt akin to someone spitting in my soul. I think the people that we love the most are the ones we should be strictest with because they’re the ones we’re more likely to bend over backwards for sometimes.
It is important that we have a really good support system. We need people who would hold our hands, people we could cry to and vulnerable with. Unfortunately, not everyone has that. If you are going through something right now, you have to address it and I know it might not be what you want to hear, but you’re going to have to let yourself go through it and hurt. Hopefully you’ll come out of it with a clear understanding of your situation, a better sense of self, and hopefully knowing the people who are with you in your corner. We’re simply human beings trying to navigate life but sometimes we forget that we have to communicate to the people closest to us. Communication should not be one-sided. We save ourselves some of the misunderstanding that we experience by having uncomfortable conversations. If that could help to dissipate some of the hurt that we feel then great, but it doesn’t help that's okay too.
I'll check in with you again soon. Take care. ♥︎
Hello everyone. How are you?
It’s already April. 2025 is 25% over. All around the world the sentiment of time flying by is echoing by young people like us.
I’m writing because I want to check in on you. At the beginning of the year many of us made a list of goals and organised how we’re going to achieve them. For some, there has been a steady checking of boxes and moments of excitement where we feel as though things are working out for the better. I’m so proud of everyone. I’m sure that you’re all working hard on your goals or putting in effort to get up in the morning.
For some, your goals might seem far out of reach and you’re left wondering why you wanted to do that thing in the first place. The frustration and disappointment that comes with unrealized goals that are time sensitive can be debilitating. Sometimes we’re being steered into directions that don’t align with our goals and the confusion of a new path is always scary. Complain, cry, vent, and scream, but don’t give up on yourself. Believe that things will work out in some way. In times like that you realize how important your community is and who feels safe for you to share misfortune or confusions with. Delayed does not mean denied and closed mouths don’t get fed. Feel and express frustration. Feelings of failure are simply that, feelings. Dwelling in negative feelings for an extended time can derail you even more than a rejection letter or a bad grade.
Recently, a writer I admire sent an update about how they were doing and the plans they had for a story moving forward. While I was devastated that the story would not continue in the foreseeable future, I was weighed down by concern for their wellbeing both mentally and physically. Life is like that sometimes. We make hosts of plans yet things happen that we could have never predicted, and for those of us who love people, the current state of the world feels like a heavy load to carry in addition to what we’re navigating in our own private lives.
One seed of caution I wish to plant in everyone’s heart is to be hesitant to take on more responsibilities when things are going well. Don't shoot just yet. Hear me out. I'm not saying to reject a promotion at work or a new job offer. This is about the goals fiercly guarded in your heart. There are times when it seems as though the universe has moved for us, everything is going well and almost suspiciously, we’re getting everything we want even more quickly than expected. Of course, I believe that we should all experience beautiful things and be treated well as there is no reward for suffering. When that happens, I don’t think it’s best to add more goals or give yourself more work. To some of you that might seem restrictive and a loss in momentum can cause discomfort. However, it’s okay to keep your current set of goals and rework them to match your new reality because adding more when you seemingly have more time can lead to burn out. Instead, steadily work through your remaining tasks and use the additional time (it’s really not extra time guys, life comes at you fast) to pamper yourself.
With the doom and gloom out of the way, guys.... guys. What a joy it is to be alive (most days). When things work out, the mocha I made turns out just right, I get 8 hours of sleep, my students do well on their quiz, one of my tannies come home, I find new music while on my night walk and a host of other incredible (to me) things; I feel like everything is alright. As my Yoongi Boongi says “Furture’s gonna be okay”. I’m often reminded that life isn’t always about checking off boxes.
I'll leave you with this. Tell yourself how proud you are of your accomplishments. Say it out loud. When you have a good day, say it was a good day. We spend so much time speaking for extended amounts of time about how challenging our bad days are that we forget to acknowledge the good days in the same way. Highlight the good things that happened. Ask yourself why it’s easier to vent about the bad days, but talking about how good you feel makes you uncomfortable. Why do you cringe at the thought of sharing that lightness with others?
Take care everyone.
♥︎
Love is a performance
Hi everyone. Usually, the conversations in February center romantic or platonic love and I wanted to shift away from that briefly. Most of my writing speaks to the way we interact with other people and the world, but I want to focus on the self this time. Self love is more than thinking about yourself while disregarding others.
Many scoff at the idea of self love became they assume practicing it only involves skin care and looking beautiful. While those are two important components of practicing self love that’s not all there is to it. Self love is deeply personal and improves the way you interact with yourself.
It's only right that we engage in actions that benefit us, make us smile, and put us at ease. The love we are craving from someone else feels even better after we’ve given it to ourselves.
Regularly buying myself flowers, doing sheet masks with my favorite diffuser, getting a massage, drinking wine while listening to my favorite playlists, and journaling are some of my favorite ways to practice self love. I make myself a priority and do things that make me feel good.
My dad is a big advocate of my happiness and wellbeing. Whenever I go to him with ideas or concerns he’d focused on how those things affect me and the way I think about myself. Having supportive and respectful people in your community is an act of self love. The people we share our lives with should uplift us and have our best interests at heart. It’s to our own detriment when we allow negative people to infiltrate our lives and cause chaos. Performing love feels like a Herculean task when you’re being beaten down. You wouldn’t want to do something nice for yourself or buy something pretty if all you hear is that you don’t deserve it for whatever reason.
And yes, love is a performance. It’s action that demonstrates effort and care. Love is our parents remembering our favorite snacks and bringing them home from work. That’s effort. That’s consideration. That’s a performance. Love is calling a friend to check on them and to make them smile after they’ve had a hard day. Effort. Action. Care. Love is coming home from work, doing skin care and having a glass of wine to unwind. That’s putting in effort and caring for yourself.
I’ve noticed that some people shy away from talking about money regarding self love. Finances are a sensitive topic to engage with, but how would you know you can afford a new bag or take a fun class if you’re not budgeting for them? One way to love yourself is to buy yourself nice things. That can’t happen if you’re not paying attention to how you’re managing your money.
Recently I took a solo trip to The Philippines because I wanted to reward myself with something beautiful for working hard and doing my best these past months. That was one way of me loving myself because I deserve it. It’s important to remind ourselves that we can only live for us and we have to treat ourselves well.
Below is a list of actions you can do to engage positively with yourself and practice self love.
• Take a shower when you feel sad. (Trust me)
• Buy yourself pretty flowers
• Journal your thoughts and experiences.
• Get a massage
• Manicure and pedicure (men too)
• Stop craving and buy the slice of cake omg
• Light a scented candle and have a cup of tea or a glass of wine
• Stretch. Your future self will thank you
• Read a good book
• Clean your room and use your favorite bed sheets
• Plan and book a fun vacation
• Buy yourself something nice AND use it
• Rest well. Turn off your phone.
• Tell yourself something nice. It might be cringe, but at least you did it
• Cry. There’s nothing worse than holding back tears• Admire the sunrise/sunset (take a pretty picture too)
• Set boundaries and say no
For young women，it’s important that we know how to make ourselves feel good. Part of self love is knowing your body and what makes it work. Taking time for yourself and learning what you like will greatly impact the way you are with your partner(s). Many young women make the mistake of entering relationships expecting their partners to already know how to please them. We know what makes us feel good when we try it ourselves. Once you know what’s good for you, you’re able to communicate that to your partners. Find out what misconceptions you had about your own body that influenced your experiences and how your active participation on your pleasure can improve your situation.
I’m happy to report that I practice what I preach. I do everything on this list (not all at once of course) and it makes a difference. A stressful week can be eased by doing something kind for yourself. This is the only life we have, so we should live it well. Take care everyone.
♥︎
Welcome to 2025, my dears.
This is a late greeting, but Happy New Year. Many of us have made a long list of resolutions and are excited (anxious) to check off boxes as the monthly pass by. While I wish success for everyone, I also want you guys to take care of yourselves along the way.
If something doesn’t work out, don’t wear the coats of disappointment and failure for too long. Be hopeful for its success later on. You never know what new opportunity might come your way when something you thought you desperately wanted doesn’t work out.
I have a few questions you can ask yourself to help you make the best of your goals this year.
● Looking at my goals and resolutions, do I feel empowered or discouraged?
● Am I overwhelming myself?
● How will I take accountability for my 2025 goals?
● What will I do better this year if I'm working on an unrealized goal from 2024?
There you have it folks.
Be safe and well this year everyone. Drink lots of water, take your vitamins, and smile as much as you can. I'll write you again soon.
Goodbye 2024
Hi everyone! Happy end of 2024. I started this year's first article for you with a lot of positivity because wanted to extend goodness and kindness to everyone. I felt compelled to end the year on a positive note as well regarding my articles. What a year. We’ve had to deal with new situations and navigate new spaces. 2024 was such a learning experience for me. One of the things that I’ve had to deal with was losing my mom. That’s something that I never thought would happen to me so young because in my mind my mom is a superwoman. She was very strong, intelligent, incredibly brave, and involved in community building so I’ve always seen her as a pillar of strength. I’ve also moved away from home. I’m on the other side of the world. I don’t have my dog, I don’t have my dad, nor do I have a physical connection to most of my friends. I’ve had to acclimatize myself to an entirely new space and so many new environments and I’m incredibly proud of myself.
I want to take a moment to say how proud I am of so many of you. I know quite a few people read my articles; some read and don’t talk about it, some would engage in discussions with me (I appreciate guys so much) but even people who may not be very familiar with me might have seen my articles in passing. I’m genuinely proud of you guys. Many people that I know of, many people who I know very well, and those who I adore have transcended boundaries, achieved things beyond their wildest dreams, and hit and surpassed goals and I am so incredibly proud of you as one young human being to another who is still navigating life. I’m so proud of all of us because we’ve been working hard, we’ve been putting in the effort, we’ve been crying and loving and breaking and lying and screaming, but most importantly we've been learning, and I think that’s worth celebrating.
I think our bravery, our courage, and our strength especially in 2024 is not something to take lightly. The things that we've accomplished and what we've learned should never be taken for granted. I simply want us to end this year knowing that we did the best that we could in every given moment. We did the absolute best that we could and there is no use in wishing to go back to change things because life doesn’t work that way. I think it’s important for us to trust in the decisions that we’re making, hoping that they’re informed choices and knowing fully well that whatever the outcome we are solely responsible.
We’re a generation navigating unprecedented times with genocide, widespread diseases, and wars. Of course, these situations have been around for a long time but obviously, we’ve never been around to experience them until now, and everything feels overwhelming. Regardless of that, a lot of us are ending this year not pregnant (a win is a win), making money, and surrounded by people who love and support us. I hope that as this year ends you look back and feel grateful for life to be able to get up and to do things. I hope that 2025 is another successful year for so many of us, and it’s a year of love, kindness, compassion, and a year full of courage.
Be safe. I’ll meet you again with another article in the new year. I appreciate every one of you!
Trial and Error.
Happy end of October and to my fellow Vincentians, Happy Independence. How has everyone been doing? I hope that you guys are having happy and productive days. I’ve been alright. It’s getting colder these days and I’m so excited for winter. I don’t enjoy the heat. I was worried that I wouldn’t have anything to share with you guys this month. I’ve been working on something, and the deadline is in a few days, but I know in my spirit that I won’t get it done. If I’m honest, it’s an incredible opportunity to showcase my writing and the piece I’m editing is phenomenal (yes, I’m tooting my own horn). Unfortunately, I haven’t been in the frame of mind to put it together properly and I don’t want to stress write because I would end up hating it. Anyways.
I’ve been thinking lately. (LOL)
Aren’t we all a bit too hard on ourselves? Everyone’s so focused on getting things right the first time and not embarrassing ourselves, so much so that we even deny ourselves opportunities to grow and learn new things. I think we’re overly conscious of the way people perceive our efforts so if we don’t do something well, we fear other people would think that we don’t deserve certain opportunities, or they would laugh at us because we aren’t good at something.
Many of us are scared to learn by trial and error. It seems so scary to fail or to look stupid that we rather not figure things out. Of course, I’m not saying that we must learn everything the hard way. We can observe other people’s failures and learn from them, but it's alright to do things over when it comes to our personal goals and ideas that we probably never share with others. When something doesn’t work out the first time, try again with the newfound knowledge you have.
To illustrate, I take supplements religiously and I recently started something new. They’re little pills that I chew (not gummies). I normally would pack my supplements in their designated container which I take to work, and I did that with my new pills. It turns out that they don’t hold up well when exposed to air for too long. The constant opening and closing of my container made them soft and their colour changed. Instead of being angry at myself for not knowing, I simply make sure to pack 2 of those supplements at a time so what happened the first time doesn’t happen again.
It might seem like the common-sense thing to do, but many people rant and rave at mishaps like this. The first time you use something, you might not get it right, and that’s okay. You tried and made an error. You can’t kill yourself because of that.
I won’t lie, every time something goes wrong at work and I’m involved, I start mumbling “I can’t kill myself, I can’t.” That might seem dramatic and in some ways it is, but it’s my way to remind myself that mistakes, inconveniences, and uncomfortable situations are not the end of the world. I don’t need to beat myself up when things go wrong.
I try my best to engrave this into my students. Whenever they get things wrong or they figure out an answer after they’ve submitted their work they would be so frustrated and their mood would go downhill quickly. I’ve made it my mission to recognize when this happens and to be gentler with them on days like that. The worst thing is to be going through it and the people around you speak harshly to you or they rub your failure in your face. Compassion seems to be lacking these days. A lot of people seem to take pride in highlighting the shortcomings and mistakes of others. Nasty nasty behavior.
Before anyone takes my words the wrong way, I’m not saying to glorify failure and disappointment, rather acknowledge your efforts and that of others. We don’t always get things right on the first attempt and we shouldn’t hold that expectation over everyone’s heads. It’s important to acknowledge the potential of others and the resources they have access to, but it’s not right to condemn them when they don’t meet your expectations. Some people are proud of themselves just for trying something they feared they would never do. If excessive negativity is added to that it might dissuade them from wanting to try something else. Our words and actions even to ourselves have an impact on those around us. If you’re constantly saying discouraging and mean things to yourself when things don’t go your way, your sibling or anyone who admires you could end up perpetuating the same demoralizing behaviour. Please be mindful.
I know that some of you are apprehensive and confused about things. The state of the world induces so much anxiety and that coupled with personal issues can make us exist in a constant state of fear and discouragement. Despite this, please, take care of yourselves and trust yourselves more. Many people, including me (love yall) believe in your efforts and your dreams. Just give it a try. If you mess up, you can cry and scream but don’t dwell in perceived failure for too long. Try again. Maybe you need to ask for help the next time, or you need to be more organized. Learn from what went wrong initially and apply that newfound knowledge to your 2nd or 3rd attempt. You got this!
As always, I’m looking forward to the discussions we have.
Grown: Navigating young adulthood...
Hello and welcome back to my ramblings. I hope that everyone is enjoying summer and taking care of themselves.
I’m proud to report that I am no longer “troubled”. I began drafting this piece on July 5th 2024, but things didn’t work out. As some of you may know, my life shifted drastically since the beginning of this year. I’m navigating a lot of my change by myself these days. It’s really me and my journal against the world.
I’ve inherited my parents habit of writing notes and explaining things to myself on paper. Once, I decoded a note my dad wrote and he was angry because I wrote the explanation on the same paper for him to find. These days I joke with my friends that being an adult is making a reminder for everything. Nothing seems settled if I don’t check it off my to do list.
I’ve been making major decisions lately and doing more on my own and it’s a little scary. I feel like I unlock a new level of grown adult each month. I recently had to change my ID card's address and was reluctant to go. (Hello anxiety). The entire process took less than 15 minutes. I was pleasantly surprised, but I also chastised myself for wanting to procrastinate doing it. I constantly have to remind myself that these things are never difficult and hardly take a long time. Many of us are used to having parents make our appointments and take us there. After a while, all that stops and you’re expected to be brave enough to do that on your own. As teenagers, my mum would let my sister and I pay the bills sometimes to “make sure alyo ready for the real world.” It was so annoying and the first few times were scary. She would wait for us outside and ask us how the experience was. I’m grateful for little things like that. Now, my bills are automated because of my anxiety and I refuse to make myself look like a fool in 7-11 or the bill company. To make matters worse, I don’t speak Chinese so…. hard pass. I’m glad my mum thought it necessary to teach us, but I have temporarily retired the need to pay bills physically. Let’s “adult” smartly.
There are many things that I wanted to experience and now I get to do so on my own terms. It feels amazing. I read something recently that I want to share with you.
“Adulthood is a beautiful part of life. Even though we often think it’s not enjoyable, it’s actually a valuable time to discover ourselves. As we grow up, we learn that our choices have outcomes, both good and bad. Embracing adulthood is a positive thing, showing us how we can grow and become better versions of ourselves.”
We often find ourselves in need of being useful to others. We need to help our friends, we need to call to check on XYZ, we need to listen to this problem, we need to go to this place because XYZ friend will think we have beef with them. We need need need even if it means sacrificing ourselves. Our hearts and lives become flowing faucets of kindness and grace. While pouring into everyone we care for, we sometimes forget that we don’t have an unlimited supply of anything. These decisions to stay on the phone one more hour, to accompany friends to places we’re uncomfortable going don’t automatically make us a better friend or person.
As young adults right now is the best time to take care of ourselves, to be ‘grown’. That involves more than booking flights, paying rent and bills on time, going to the parties we thought were cool as teenagers and engaging in devious activities. Being grown involves setting firm boundaries, especially with those we love because we’re more inclined to bend backwards for them. It involves declining the number of invites to spend time with yourself after an exhausting week.
Another thing about adulthood that I’ve been preaching lately is you shouldn’t feel guilty for leaving and growing up. You don’t have to apologize for prioritizing your dreams and your happiness. Sometimes we have to leave the space we’ve known all our lives to discover beautiful AND ugly parts of ourselves. Sometimes, we’ve learned all we can from one space and that’s okay. Leaving family and friends is scary, but what’s worse is missing out on moments and opportunities because you don’t want to upset some people. The more we learn and become better versions of ourselves, the better we are able to take care of those we love. We must experience life in numerous ways.
That's all I have for you guys this month. Thank you so much for always engaging with my writing. To be frank, I have been writing other things on other platforms where I can express myself more freely. My little side quests cannot be compared to this blog which has helped my anxiety tremendously. Elsewhere I'm another anonymous author, but here, you guys know who I am. I enjoy discussions on the topics I write about. Amazingly, other people relate and want to connect with my words. I pray you guys stay safe and healthy!
Your environment influences the way you interact with the world
Welcome to June everyone. This is a late greeting because this article was initially scheduled for May, but life was lifing so here I am a few weeks later. I hope that May was a month of goodness and learning for you. May went by so quickly, she clocked in, did her job, and left. It was a month full of reflection and ‘weird’ days for me. I’m dealing with a lot emotionally and it spills over everywhere. I’ll keep journaling about this and eventually work through it, but for now, let’s talk about how our environment impacts how we interact with the world.
It’s difficult to grow and feel good when you’re in a place that makes you feel terrible, and your insecurities are right in your face. Everyone says to curate the information you want to be exposed to, but that doesn’t always help when the cause of your discomfort lives in your house and in your head. We often feel comfortable until we realize that we really aren’t and then things start falling apart. A lot of us become ‘busy’ to avoid dealing with unpleasant emotions and situations. We avoid conversations, people, and tasks that will make us uncomfortable. With the things we can’t avoid, we minimize their impact on our lives and pretend we have everything figured out. We can’t control everything, but we try. This is part of what I call ‘The Human Condition’. We’re flawed beings so we revel in that and use it as an excuse for unbecoming behavior. More often than we’d care to admit, we put ourselves into unnecessary distress and then lash out at those around us.
We often forget that there are people who put up with that behavior, and they struggle because we’re struggling. We make people uncomfortable in their own homes. Over the past few years, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t physically in a place that was conducive to building what is important to me. I had to push back against a lot, including myself, to do things that would benefit me in the long run. I felt stuck and demotivated, so every article I wrote, every class I signed up for, every solo date I went on, and every walk I took with Bangtani was a way for me to prove to myself that I was more than the discomfort that I was experiencing. That sounds heavy, doesn’t it? Now, I want to make it clear that I was putting immense pressure on myself and projecting that onto other people.
Lately, my brother has been a major support for me, and he calls me out when I’m skirting around issues that I know I should deal with. Recently, he said something that I’ve been contemplating about for some time. We don’t get to say we genuinely care for and like people when we don’t extend that same care to ourselves. The phrase “We are our biggest critics” should not be a loophole to be miserable and hang ourselves while we extend grace to others. One environment people don’t tend to think about is the mind. We won’t grow into who and what we want if our minds is filthy and berate our efforts. While our physical environment and the people we interact with influence our actions and reactions, what goes on in our head has the power to cripple or propel us to greatness. If the environment in our mind is unpleasant, no matter how much we smile and comfort others, there will always be a lapse in the way we interact with the world, split seconds where our masks slip. You know how we get surprised when a child who was nurtured in a good home, and brought up on good values by loving parents turns out to be a menace to society? It’s the same with us internally. If our physical environment is ideal for personal development but our minds are a wasteland, we can become someone even we don’t recognize.
There is so much discussion on topics like this and I’d love to hear what you guys think. I always welcome your short “I don’t agree with you anah”, and your long paragraphs that offer new perspectives. As we discuss together and live each day, let’s be mindful of our physical and mental environments. Take care and have a safe June!
April Check In
Hi guys. How are you doing?I’m ending April with a check in for everyone. I want you guys to take a short break and answer some questions. You can answer these verbally or take time to reflect and write your responses down.How are you feeling today?
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What have you been doing lately to make yourself feel good?
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Are there things that make you happy? When was the last time you did them?
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Who do you feel safe with?
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Have you said anything nice to yourself lately? What was it? Say it again!
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Has someone ruined something you were excited about lately?
Did you punch them in the face?
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When was the last time you called your dad?!
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When was the last time you cried? Did it feel good?
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Have you watched any good shows lately? Recommend it to me.
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Do you miss someone? Have you told them?
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Do you journal? When was the last time you did that?
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Are you good to your family?
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Who made you smile today?
As always, I'm open to discussions with you guys. I thoroughly enjoy them. I hope you gays take care of yourselves. I'll see you in May!
Good! Bad! Sad! Happy!
Happy end of March everyone! I trust that you all have been well and safe. Welcome to my monthly brain spill.
I drink wine when I write. A lot of you might already know that. It's one of my favorite things to do. I think it tickles a part of my brain that views me as a successful author who lives in her mansion and drinks wine while looking out the window and watching my dog play on the lawn. Its very calming. I'm having wine as I type this. It is currently 10:21 pm and I really should journal. I won’t though. Not tonight.
Lately, I’ve been hesitant to journal. I still do it, but there’s an irrational fear that comes with penning down my feelings on a bad day. Bad days look different to everyone. For you, a bad day might be having an awful encounter with a customer at work, for another person it could be failing a test they thought they did well on, and for me, it might just be one of those days. You know those days when nothing bad happens but you’re in a weird headspace and you can't seem to feel like yourself... Thankfully, I don’t have alot of those, but when they come, they hit hard. The title of this piece is also a little play on words of how my mind processes things. Sometimes things are going so well, and everything feels so good that I know something bad is coming right after and sadness takes root during moments of happiness. In times like these, we need to be courageous, not to appear strong and put together, but courageous enough to reach out for help. Sometimes a 10-minute phone call can change a bad day.
No one really knows how to deal with bad days after good days and vice versa. Recently, I had an incredible day. Work was amazing, I felt great, I bought a fun book and to make it even better, my dad called and we had fun talking to each other. I went home bragging to my brother about what an awesome day I had, and I journaled about it. I felt like I was walking on clouds. That's exactly what I told my brother. The next day, however, wasn’t as great. I deliberately tried to recreate the previous day and it went wrong. We all know this, but the way we interact with the world on good and bad days are sometimes opposites of our personality. Our conversations and tone change, the music we listen to and even how we walk changes. What’s scary is that we don’t anticipate this immediate change in being and the people we interacted so well with the previous day don’t anticipate it either. We don’t give each other space to feel these changes either. I am guilty of this as well. We get defensive and upset when someone treats us differently than the day before, and instead of giving them space or acknowledging their bad mood, we take it personally. This centering of ourselves in other people’s misery and the entitlement to their kindness is something that we all must work on throughout our lifetime.
What I find ironic is that we treat people having good and bad days the same. Let me illustrate. We get annoyed because our coworker is having a bad day and it shows in their behavior, so we talk about them, wondering why they can't cheer up or keep their bad mood to themselves. We do the same to people who feel good and want to share their positivity with us. We get annoyed that they’re in such a good mood, so we talk about them saying no one cares about the good thing that happened to them or even compare their good mood to a situation in the past when they were sad.
For those of us in our 20s, we spend a lot of time figuring things out as we go because we don’t know much. Correct me if I’m wrong, but this is our first life. After university and getting a job, we’re somehow expected to just know what to do and how to get it done. There are avenues available to get assistance but even then, there’s an obvious distaste for sharing information with younger people, especially those who are doing well. I’m always delighted when someone I know does something great and gets recognition for it, but I can't bear to imagine the sacrifice and discomfort they’ve had to experience when dealing with older people. Add that to a bad day and it’s a recipe for disaster.
As a young adult navigating the changes in my mindset and lifestyle, many things contend for my attention. The advice I’ve received is to prioritize and create healthy routines. I agree with all that, but what about the days when I don’t want to go to work? What about the older people who insist on giving me a hard time? Must my generation always turn the other cheek? Must we excuse bad behavior because a senior is having a bad day when that same grace isn’t afforded to us? I understand fully that I'm complaining, but is that not a symptom of a bad day? Is my distress not valid because of my bad day? I think I feel confident asking these questions here because I’ve had so many conversations with people my age who ask and say the same things. An entire generation can't be wrong about the same issues, can we?
Thank you for reading this month’s post. I hope you felt something, or you take some time to ask yourself the same questions I did. What makes me happiest is having discussions with you guys and being able to look at life through your lens. I’ve decided to share my playlist with you. It has the same name as this piece. It inspired me to write this. As the title suggests, it’s a cacophony of mismatched songs that in no way have a set vibe and the playlist seems to not make any sense, but if I’m being honest, most of our days are like this. It’s a reflection of MY human existence. It’s a little haywire, but somehow it works, and I experience the most wonderful things. Please enjoy my playlist (it's linked below), I hope you find a song on there that you like, and if you do, let me know. I’d love to know a little bit about your story.
Update
Its always a bit jarring living through change and its been an interesting experience having to be vulnerable with people outside of my immediate community.
Before we get any further, I want to preface this by stating that this is a far cry from what I usually share with you. The title is quite literally what this is, an update on how I’ve been since the last time I wrote to you. It will be weird asking for our usual discussions on my pieces for this one, so I’ll ask that you guys read this and take away something that gives you food for thought on understanding and taking care of yourselves in every way possible.
I’m finding that I tend to latch when I feel safe enough. I was in Hong Kong recently and was unofficially adopted by a little family because I was stressed out. When I was leaving, I wanted to hug the older lady because she stuck with me through a lot and made me feel heard. Bless her. Not everyone would have been as patient as she was.
I’m learning a lot lately. I put myself out there a bit more and consequently, I’ve been experiencing new things. Its been quite fun. Jarring, but fun. This month has been a lot for me. Physically, health wise and emotionally I’ve been going through it. At the beginning of February, I told my dad that I’m finally getting things I prayed for, and I feel ready for the change but it’s scary and then I burst into tears. There’s something so scary about actually adulting even after you’ve legally been an adult for a while. Life really comes without an instruction manual, so I’m grateful to the community I have around me. I adore them.
Based on how I’ve started the year, I think its safe to say that I want to move away from writing heavy topics for a while. There’s a burden to write carefully curated pieces in my casual style and I don’t want to do it anymore. I started writing and posting drabbles again and I’ve been loving it. The response has been great too. I want to stay there for a while. To be fair, I could change my mind in a few months. Humans are fickle like that. Its another reason why I say living through change is jarring for me. I actually have to commit to the decisions I made at 3am or sent via voice note to people who can make things happen.
This is all over the place. Not sorry. I was duly informed that the only way some people know I’m doing okay is when I share these little pieces. I’m very approachable guys. It's okay to text me randomly. I’m not good at replying, but I will surely see that you’re thinking of me. It's so funny because I don’t think I’m as elusive as everyone thinks. If you have my number and don’t text me, that’s on you.
I feel like an ao3 author right now. (That’s it for today’s update. See you guys soon. Don’t forget to leave a comment and hit kudos!!)
2024
Happy New Year and welcome to 2024, everyone. This is a late greeting, but I trust that everyone is well. I’ve spent some time wondering what I wanted to share with you guys this new year because 2023 was an interesting year for many people. This post, however, won’t be about the highs and lows of 2023. I know the usual content around this time is often reflective and celebratory, but I simply want to share some kind words with you.
I hope that as much as we all set numerous goals, major and tiny ones alike, we remember that those lists don’t define us. I advocate heavily for making goals, creating lists and plans, and holding ourselves accountable for them. On the other hand, our lives shouldn’t be fully dependent on the things we write down at the start of the year. No one knows the future. It would be quite taxing to force yourself into a mold unfit for you all in the name of checking off a goal at the end of the year. If nothing aligns with your goal to be met this year, be hopeful for its success the following year. I’m sure you’ve all worked hard in 2023 and if you haven’t heard it yet, I’m delighted to tell you, I’m proud of you. Sometimes, being able to get up in the morning and have a cup of tea is a big enough accomplishment. You owe yourself grace and kindness. It’s often said that the standards we hold ourselves to are higher than those we uphold for others so be gentle with yourself this year. Do your best with what you must accomplish but do so while taking care of yourself. Take your supplements, go on an occasional walk to burn some calories or to clear your head, drink your water and continue to read my monthly posts (lol).
One of my major goals last year was to spend more quality time with friends and family. With everything going on I was troubled about meeting that goal within the perimeters I had set for myself. Luckily, I was so incredibly blessed to surpass the levels of my goal. I wish the same success to you. The feeling of meeting and surpassing your own goals is always gratifying. The self-confidence it boosts makes you feel like you can accomplish anything. I never want to forget that feeling.
I found that I have many reasons to push forward and live well. There are things to accomplish, boundaries to redefine, adventures to be had, and an amazing life to experience. You deserve these things as well. I wish continued success and many opportunities for everyone open to receiving them. May you all be safe and well in 2024.
What are you good at?
I'm not an expert in anything at all. Sure, I have certifications and degrees and cool things that I enjoy doing but I'm not an expert at anything. Granted this could just be my imposter syndrome talking. There are so many things that I love to do; I love to write (obviously), I love baking, gardening, sewing, I love making jewelry (the easy stuff guys) and really love volunteering. These are things that immediately come to mind if you ask me what makes me happy. Recently, I had lunch with a friend and we're both educators, so we were talking about the way we interact with students, the way our students perform in class, their behaviors ect. We shared similar stories and had an incredible time together but it got me thinking; as much as I like doing what I do and I know people who are similar to me in that regard I can't really think of anything that I'm 100% good at. Is there anyone who is 100% good at anything?
Right now, you're reading my writing which is something that I am good at but I'm not an expert at. Earlier this year something of mine got reviewed and published. I was so incredibly proud of myself especially when an author I admire reached out to me and said that they read my work, and they went as far as discussing it with other people. I was excited, jumping around and screaming in complete disbelief that something that I put down because I felt like it garnered high praise. Still, I'm not an expert at writing. There are authors who I look up to, whose work I read religiously, who I have e-mail notifications on for, and in my mind, I see them as an expert in genres that they write in, but I don't think anyone would label me as an expert in the rambles that I write. Really everything that I put out here in public that I feel comfortable enough to share are simply ramblings of my personal thoughts and opinions and a lot of times they aren’t planned. I simply sit in front of my laptop when I'm bored and I type. None of what I share here is an expert opinion on anything.
When I sew things, they aren't done in a professional way where the stitching is completely flawless. Sometimes I use a different color thread than I initially planned because I can't find what I bought and it stresses me out, but what can I do? I remember when I was younger, I would always look at my mom when she sat at her sewing machine making stuff. People would commission her to make dresses, shirts, skirts, curtains, then whole nine yards really. My mother is so cool and she's incredibly talented. I used to think sewing wasn’t difficult because I've looked at my mom create beautiful things for so long that it seemed so easy. I said that to her once and she allowed me to try and I sat by the machine, I tried, and I failed horribly. I messed up the stitching so bad my mom got angry but eventually we laughed it off because but it was something new for me. I remember looking at my mom thinking she's an expert at sewing, but she would also take sewing classes after work or during her vacation on how to do a particular stitching when making pants and dresses, but I'd still think she was an expert because everything that my mom made always turned out so well. She always looked pretty and when she did something for my sister and I we always looked pretty in them. I'm sure there were times when as much as my sister and I would praise her she would feel as though she herself was not an expert even though her work was so incredibly well done.
I guess that just goes to show that we don't need to be the absolute best at things we enjoy doing. I think what's important is that we do the best we can in that given moment. So, while I may not be an expert at gardening, I still know that after a couple of months I'm going to have tomatoes that I could put on my sandwiches and lettuce that I could use in a salad. I might not be the best at spotting when my plants need more manure, but I have fun. Learning something new can be stressful in the beginning and maybe you might improve from a beginner’s level to an intermediate level to an advanced level but that still doesn’t mean that we're an expert at whatever it is we're doing. You don't need to be the best baker, nor the best tutor, painter, or writer. I think we can sometimes settle for enjoyment over mastery.
Anyways guys that's all I have for you this month. As always, I welcome any and all discussions on these pieces that I write that I'm not an expert at, but I do try to do my best.
Whose opinions are you listening to?
I’ve been told that I’m very reserved and I took that to heart. These writings of mine that I share are a way for me to be more open and can be seen as a medium through which people get to know me better. Afterall, everything I share here are my own personal opinions and half-finished thoughts.
I’m mentioning this because it is so interesting and a little upsetting how we could be surrounded by so much love and kindness with a support system of people who care immensely about us and constantly remind us of how incredible we are, yet we always seem to focus more on naysayers, people who have the meanest things to say. There are people who have no regard for us, no regard for how hard we work, how much effort we put into things, no regard for our love, our time, and our boundaries. They don’t even care and yet we almost go out of our way to listen to what they have to say about us. Why do we do that?
That’s something I’m currently working on because I know at this stage in my life I still do things that are going to hurt me but I engage with them anyways. I’d know to my core that a piece of information is going to bother me so bad that I’ll cry or get extremely upset, and I still willingly search for that information. That happened a month ago. I was so stressed out and I kept digging, searching places I shouldn’t be to find out what I was so anxious about. Best believe I found it and it hurt badly. For the rest of that day, I couldn’t do anything properly and I thought to myself, "Here I go again looking for things knowing that they’re going to upset me", and it put strain on a particular relationship of mine. I remember telling myself “Girl, sometimes you don’t need to know.” (I do. I REALLY do need to know lol)
Regrettably, some of us willingly put ourselves in situations we don’t belong in. We have no calling doing all that but will still stress ourselves out. These people don’t care that they’ve hurt you, sometimes it doesn’t even register to them that what they’re putting out could negatively affect you. They go about their day regardless, but you internalize what was said/posted and start to question yourself.
You would listen to people who have zero impact on your life. They don’t help you make money; they don’t pay your bills, they don't take your dog to the vet, they don’t pay for your trips, they don’t give you food. They aren’t important to you in any way. If they disappear off the face of the Earth it won't impact you because you don’t know them like that. But yet you would listen to them instead of your friend who’s been with you for a decade who constantly tells you “hey babe, I see that you’ve been working hard and I’m so incredibly proud of you.”
It came to mind that at some point, we need to question ourselves, do we constantly go looking for the bad things and let people who really don’t matter influence us so heavily that we pull away from the people who care for us, or do we make a constant effort to focus on positive things? I try to remind myself that if I turn off my phone or don’t scroll online that person’s opinion exists in a space where I don’t see it. If I focus on the praise I get from my community and the opportunities that allow me to have and disregard the misinformation that gets spread, I will feel good about myself (and I do feel good about myself) so shouldn’t you guys try to do the same as well? Food for thought.
Youtube life coaches
There’s an influx lately of lifestyle coaches, podcasts, and blogs that are dedicated to telling people how to live their lives and how to become the best version of themselves. There are new guidelines on how to foster self-development, different tips and tricks, and hacks of the best ways to navigate life and I think that's all well and good. I believe we live in a world where we should never rely only on our own strengths but also take the advice of someone who has navigated life somewhat. That’s important. But what happens when we take it too far?
Recently, I came across a video about how quitting social media could change a person's life and I found it so interesting. The YouTuber spoke at length about how social media is damaging the way we communicate with each other because people aren't talking face-to-face anymore. Apparently, sending texts has changed the way we interpret social cues. Now, I do understand that there is a danger of becoming absorbed in an online space where you get extremely comfortable and share information about yourself recklessly.
However, what I think we need now (and I'm speaking specifically to young people like myself), are firm boundaries. I think it's somewhat unfortunate that because of lack of direction or insecurities, anxiety etc., so many of us turn to strangers for advice on how to live in a way that adheres to society’s perception of what young people should be and how young people should behave. I for one enjoy watching video essays and social commentary regarding a wide range of topics but I still see them as mediums that offer new perspectives and not ideologies to adapt. I think we should all view “self-development” content as an extension of the person presenting the information and not always as “healthy habits to adapt”.
Some people are easily influenced and because they want to live well, they fall victim to the algorithm’s bombardment of lifestyle content that might not be good for them. Before, people got advice from friends and family who understood their circumstances or read self-help books written by qualified professionals, but nowadays everyone with a decent following is suddenly a life coach and mental health expert. It fascinates me the titles of some of these self-development videos on YouTube; how to care less, ghost everyone for 6 months, Why Anger is a destructive emotion, why we should build in our 20s, the power of silence and other variations of words that ultimately promote individualism and a skewed sense of emotional regulation.
Obviously, not all of this is fake. Some people simply film their daily lives while offering advice, and it becomes relatable or inspirational content for some. The problem arises when young people curate their entire personalities based on trending aesthetics and self-improvement hacks from a random person with a high subscriber count. I’m not denying that some of these content creators genuinely want to help and pass on advice that they wished they were privy to when they were young adults, but it’s a problem when young people hyperfocus on this content and desperately try to incorporate all the tips given that they ignore certain factors about their lived reality.
I am not qualified to talk about this so I decided to keep this short and instead share examples with you so you can come to your own conclusions about the nature of this type of content.
DISCLAIMER: This is content that I found interesting for this piece. I have no idea who these people are (the strangers thing I mentioned earlier) and none of these views are my own.
The art of delusional manifesting...
This video will make you confident
The power of Silence
Watch this if you can’t stop caring what others think of you
DISCLAIMER: These videos are content that I found interesting for this piece. I have no idea who these people are (the strangers thing I mentioned earlier) and none of these views are my own.
Well
Between school, tutoring, reading, Bangtani, and procrastination I don’t have much time for anything. At least I don’t really want to make time for anything else. I even procrastinated going to a dance class I was interested in for an entire year... it's bad for me. I write in my spare time but lately even that’s been like a burden. More of a mental one than anything else… I already journal three times a week and adding more to that felt awful especially when I was writing for others and not myself. Ultimately, I made the decision to stop volunteering to write/edit when I was asked to. That broke my heart because as stressful as writing can be I love it, but I was burnt out and I couldn’t explain why. I’ve been writing short stories and other little pieces since high school and even published something online once. If you know you know, but if you don’t, please don’t go looking as I write under a pseudonym.
I worked remotely for a while and that made everything so much worse. I was getting awful headaches and my manager was horrible. It wasn’t the fun time everyone online was championing it to be. After a few nasty experiences, my dad finally convinced me to stop and take better care of myself. I owe that man the world, truly. This adulting thing is so wild.
I think sometimes I overcompensated because a lot of people saw me living and thought I wasn’t doing anything. To make up for that perceived lack I started adding nonsense to my already stretched self. I genuinely thought I had moved past the phase where people’s perceptions of me drastically influenced my behavior. I am in a much healthier state, but words do hurt, and I detest feeling like I’m disappointing people who claim to care for me. Navigating my 20s and keeping a steady grip on my anxious mind has been an interesting journey.
The pandemic and lockdown really shifted a lot for me. I who was used to volunteering physically was unable to do so and it stressed me out so badly. I cried so much because I had a lot of plans to join/assist certain organizations, but they all fell through. I began volunteering online with BAJB as part of their publication team (I'm still with them <3) and it brought some ease and a sense of purpose, but it wasn’t the same. I made monetary donations online through campaigns organized by OIAA (I love their team so much, bless them) because I couldn’t go out to buy things, pack boxes and then make deliveries. Sometimes when I look back at my journal entries, I see the frustration and utter devastation that took root in me because I couldn’t go out and do something that brought me fulfillment. I haven’t volunteered in person since December 2021, and I fear that it won’t feel the same when I start again. As I’m writing this, I’m thinking that the fear is what makes me not try harder to get back into volunteering. Maybe that’s why I said I don’t want to make time for anything else.
Anyways, as this new year begins and I pen down my goals, I hope things become clearer for me. I also wish you guys a year of bountiful blessings and moments of joy!
Thoughts from a conversation I had with a friend recently.
We know too much about each other. Maybe, I don’t know. It's fun at first, but then it gets annoying because why do I need to know that?? Later, it just gets overwhelming. There's so much going on in everyone's lives and it feels like there's an overload of sharing. Wanting to let people in, the need to come across as authentic, the need for lots of engagement because suddenly its 2023, and half of our confidence is tied to how many likes our stories get. I'm not overly critical nor do I really care much about what anyone shares, half of the time I'm not online enough to know anything. This spiel of words is just that.
It's cute that we share so much even. I think the annoyance comes when we see things that we won't willingly share ourselves. I do my best to remember that everyone has different boundaries and principles to follow.
I hope we all come to a place where we're comfortable sharing and viewing each other within our own boundaries.
Woman
I remember telling an old classmate that I was writing this piece and they asked what sociological perspective I would be writing from. I will preface this piece with a disclaimer that my position will be a personal and BIASED one as I am a woman and I believe my experiences, grievances, and attitudes towards womanhood deserve respect regardless of theories and the audience of my piece.
This is a jumbled mess of half-finished thoughts and ideas put together because I was bored for a little too long.
That said, I am a woman. A cacophony of mismatched socks, books, resentment, too big breasts and 4c hair.
There is a sort of trauma associated with being a woman, at least that’s what I believe. From the womb to our first breaths we are assigned so many labels that we sometimes never get to shake off or grow out of. The scary part of being a woman IS being a woman. My parents had sex and somehow, I came here not of my own will to fight for my life daily.
I always say it is one thing to know that evil exists in the world but its different when you experience said evil yourself. Some of you may know that I am vocal about issues of sexual assault/harassment, domestic violence against women and femicide. I’d talk so much about these things, citing books, the news, articles I’ve read, and experiences of other women so much so that I’m sure I became a nuisance to some. But I didn’t care, I was PASSIONATE. However, it isn’t until you’re telling your boyfriend to stop but he doesn’t do you understand the helplessness some women talk about. It isn’t until you’re running across the street regardless of incoming traffic because you don’t want to be grabbed and perhaps kidnapped do you understand the fear that some women talk about. As I said, there is a trauma attached to being a woman.I don’t want to hear that women have jobs and can vote, women are wicked and only care for material things. I’ve heard it all before, and I can acknowledge it, but I don’t think those things negate the fact that women had to fight for what is readily given to a man because he was born with the ‘right’ anatomy.I find it insulting and almost amusing that many of my perspectives and decisions are disregarded with statements like “but you’re a woman” and, “its natural.” Well, what if I don’t care that its natural? Why is my individuality not considered when I inform people of my choices? I joke with my friends that my period threatens to end my life every month, and I’m sure we’ve all come across that meme about taking a bottle of pills to end us both (the period and our existence). I would see people online saying “oh stop complaining, its not that painful but if you can’t take it just get pregnant”. I don’t want children though. The very thought of getting pregnant and birthing a living being makes me nauseous. I’ve been told that I will want children because its just what a woman does so I no longer have the conversation. I have strong views on pregnancy, childbirth, child-rearing, building a family and giving so much of myself to someone else.
In the words of the wonderful Khadeja Mbowe, “being born and socialized as a girl, you learn pretty early on that you exist for others… women are meant to sacrifice their bodies to have children and to sacrifice whatever time and energy they have left to do unpaid domestic labor on top of regular labor unless they can afford to hire out the labor..” This is a system I believe is true but I denounce it for myself. I find it fascinating and appalling that our socialization is based on the future role of wife and mother. Girls who would act in a way that deviates from that indoctrination are told “men don’t want women who can’t do ____ or how do you expect to have a man/have children with this sort of attitude and behavior.” Nasty things to say to young girls if you ask me.
Unlike some people I didn’t grow up dreaming of a wedding and building a family with 2 children, the boy first so he can protect the sister… WILD reason to have children in my humble opinion, but I digress. I don’t blame my aversion to SOME prescribed gendered behaviors or the nuclear ideal on my socialization.
My mother was quite strict with my little sister and me. She almost had this idea that we could be better than every other young girl around us, and whenever rumors spread of someone we knew being caught in something ‘unbecoming’, my sister and I were treated as though it was our sin to bear and answer for. I hated it. I was kept ‘under yolk’ as the old people called it. My behaviors, friendships, and entertainment monitored strictly so I don’t embarrass myself but mainly my mother.My friendships are scrutinized more as a woman. My best friend is a man and another of my closest friends is also a man. I take trips with them and say constantly how much they mean to me. What woman has a male best friend and talks about him like that if they haven’t done anything or she isn’t in love with him?? I can’t be friends with certain people because you know what people say, birds of a feather flock together. That girl dates a lot so I must be the same too. Even if that were the case, why is that anyone’s business?
While doing my undergraduate degree I came across work regarding the reputation and respectability paradigm that exists here in the Caribbean, and it felt like a switch was flipped in my mind. Sure, I had ideas on why women and girls were so pressured but for the first time, I had a name to refer to something things. The life I’ve lived till now has been oh so graciously informed by the structures associated with said paradigm.
All in all, I hope for a society where women are left to choose and develop what they want to be rather than being assigned a label, indoctrinated in its specifics, and told not to deviate from said indoctrination. Yes, indoctrination may seem to be a strong word for the way we are socialized but as children, we are sponges that soak up what is pushed on us. There is little regard for the individual as the emphasis is always on wider society and how we contribute to its continued functioning. I do recognize that what I long for may come across as naive or utopian to some, but I can dream.
I hope some parts of this made sense. Whatever doesn’t, disregard it. As mentioned earlier, this is a jumbled mess of half-finished thoughts and ideas put together because I was bored for a little too long. I’m open to discussing what I wrote here so feel free to connect with me, especially if you are a young woman in your 20s as well. :)
Low key things to do in 2023 (if you live in Barbados or plan to visit)
What is rest for you?
For me, rest is reading a good book, playing with my puppy, and doing nothing. Sure, there might be other things that relax me and constitute ease but the aforementioned things provide an incredible amount of comfort for me.
A few months ago, I was scrolling through a discord server and we were talking about what we learned from lockdown and the pandemic. I noticed that quite a few people were nervous to say that they enjoyed the “down time”. We all know the heartbreak and stress that revolved around lockdown but this isn’t about that. So many people got to rest the way they WANTED to after so long.
Some of us find solace in music, others in reading, dancing, photography, going to the beach, visiting art galleries, baking, and eating good food. The way we rest is unique to our lifestyle and the things we like."we go through life thinking we’ve rested because we have gotten enough sleep—but in reality, we are missing out on the other types of rest we desperately need.” - Saundra Dalton-SmithHere are a few lowkey things you can try to improve your version of resting or to simply have fun doing this year.
1. Hike with family or friends
My family and I hiked during the lockdown and it was the best experience ever. We’d wake up early on a Sunday morning, pack water, Kombucha, and fruits then head out to the east coast for a hike. Granted we did it in the evenings too on random days, but Sunday mornings were my favorite.
2. Picnic with friends
I love planning and having picnics. If you know me, you’d know I spend a lot of time on Pinterest looking up cute ideas on what to make and how to decorate our picnic set up. I was very much in my cottage core era in 2022 and I plan to continue that. I enjoy baking so I’d research fun recipes to make and share with my friends and my cousins.
3. Walks with your pet(s)
Bangtani and I walk to Mount Hillaby at least 3 times per week and it is always a wonderful experience. I especially like when people stop us to compliment Bangtani. I pack a bag with water, tissue, my phone, Bangtani’s travel bowl, my umbrella, and my pocketknife and we’d set out.
4. Visit the Gallery of Caribbean Art
A must-see. I visited twice, once on a date and the second time by myself. It’s a lovely place to see incredible artwork done by Caribbean artists.
5. The Caribbean Wax Museum.
It is so much fun there. I can't wait to go back. If you're interested in Caribbean history, you'd like it there.
Check them out :)
6. Painting
I don't know much about mixing colors, but painting is therapeutic for me. You can do this alone or with a friend. Have fun with it.
7. Field’s Archery
Try something new. My vision is awful, so this was fun. No archery experience is needed but you do need to make an appointment. Take a friend, or 2 friends, have a date and just have fun.
Check them out :)
That's all I have for you. There are so many ways to rest and take time to recharge so I hope that you give a few of these activities/establishments a try. They may not all be your idea of rest, but tell a friend to tell a friend to take a break soon.
Community
I often tell myself, “Maybe I should let those pandemic days, pandemic stories go”, I don’t think that’s possible. It’s not until you come out of a situation that you begin to understand what you went through and you’re able to put a name to the lessons you learned during that time. I spent quite a big part of the pandemic in school. I was finishing up my undergraduate degree and doing a teaching course, so I had a bit of structure (somewhat). Outside of that, I was blessed to have my family who helped me to meander along and hold myself together despite everything. What I want to talk about is community and how important it is, especially in a time of isolation.
The world was in shutdown mode for about two years and a lot of us had a stable system, a home where we were comfortable, food, clean water, and family members with whom we have a decent connection so there were fun times and laughter. We even had a picnic in our backyard. With everything going on outside of our fence and gates I was still able to have some fun with the closest community I had around me physically. (not downplaying anything, this was my lived experience)
We all know community expands a lot further than our homes. We can form a community anywhere. Each of our own communities is diverse and we could never fully understand them unless we are fully immersed in that space. During the pandemic, the closest physical bonds of my community were my family and just outside of that were the people I interacted with every day via Zoom, video calls, Netflix parties, Twitter (being an ARMY saved me lol) we had movie nights, virtual sleepovers and attended online concerts together (BangBangCon is the best thing that ever happened to me), and as the situation got better here we had small wine parties. I cannot begin to explain how this kept me grounded and sane in a time of uncertainty, death, and overwhelming sadness.
We constantly hear no one man is an island and I think the isolation brought on by the pandemic was a wakeup call for a lot of people who didn’t maintain connections. I read stories of parents who reconnected with their children and siblings who moved in together and rebuilt their relationships. They now had an opportunity to form bonds with the community they’d been estranged from for a while. Sometimes we’re so busy living our lives that we forget that we have to nurture relationships with the people who ‘will always be there’. Communities aren’t only physical spaces. They are systems, structures of support, culture, guidance, and criticism that we all need.
Lately, what I’ve come to notice, for myself at least, is that things are scary, and I don’t want to navigate a lot on my own. I don’t even have to tell stories for you all to know things are scary, just being a 20-something-year-old woman, a 20-something-year-old person in 2023 is scary. There’s so much to think of even in our day-to-day life, things we’re afraid of doing, like slipping in the shower… no one wants to crack their head open. And then the bigger things, like what are we going to do after finishing our degree? Our parents are getting older, and we don’t want to lose them. That’s scary. There’s been a lot of violence against women lately, a lady got raped recently. How safe do we really feel going on walks? Even though you might not have the same fears as me and even if I might not understand your fears, we can come to a consensus that by ourselves we are unable to fix everything, we are unable to make progress in certain areas and we’re unable to fully navigate life.
A lot of things I don’t know/understand I run straight to my dad for. Recently we had a talk about that, and he went on about how everything for me is ‘daddy daddy’. Well… yes! Number 1, you're the person I trust most in the world, 2. I’m proud of the bond we have together where we can have discussions and conversations and even if he doesn’t agree with me, he listens without belittling my opinions and that is important to me. We all need people like that in our lives. Every time I’m in a crisis and I need help he’s the first person that comes to my mind, that is a very strong bond in the community closest to me. When something goes wrong in my room, Daddy would know. When someone asks me for advice and I’m unsure of what to tell them, Daddy would know. When I’m trying to fit on the gas head but the bottle’s stressing me out, Daddy! Would! Know! It is so simple for me but unless we cultivate certain bonds, we’re kind of left hanging.
When I had a presentation to do for my final course, I was so stressed. So so stressed. I had no idea where to start and I procrastinated for a week! A few days later I got an email out of nowhere with the points I needed with reference links. That could only happen when people value you and they want to make your life easier because you have been a support for them, and you are part of their community. It goes both ways. Granted there are times when we put a lot into others, and it doesn’t get reciprocated. They use us, we’ve all been in that situation before. There’s not much to do but cut them off. When someone shows you blatantly that they don’t want to be in your life, you let them go.
I submitted the last of my work for my master’s degree a few days ago (10th June) and the people who helped keep me together and somewhat functioning aren’t all the same as last year but that happens. Sometimes we outgrow people and vice versa, but at some point, they made up a safe space, a community that broke bread with us (read my bible this morning and wanted to add that last part in hehe)
I’m saying all this to say community is important. Sometimes it could feel like life is crumbling around you and one person out of the community we built and nurtured could be the thread that holds you together and offers you care, offers assistance and guidance. Sometimes we just need a hug.
I hope you guys take care of yourselves and that you give someone a call today, send someone a text saying you appreciate them, or you plan a date, go somewhere, do something, laugh, and rekindle a bond that may have become stagnant. Relationships that build beautiful communities take effort, not magic (thank you Tata).
Are you open to learning new things?
My students constantly remind me that we can learn from anyone. We live in an era where information is easily accessible, and learning has become second nature to a lot of people. What I found interesting, especially these past couple of months, is that you really can learn a lot just by listening. All of my students are younger than me, yet I leave every session feeling as if I've not only taught someone, but I've gained something as well. Recently I had a conversation with one of my students and we were talking about the impact of certain systems in schools. The conversation stemmed from me asking why she thought that our sessions were important, and she told me of situations where she would be upset with a classmate or even a teacher. At that time, I was also dealing with situations that upset me and my responses to certain things were alarming. Something my student said really put a lot into perspective and through her experience I was able to get a new outlook on my own issues.
I remember journaling about it that night and while I was writing it down and trying to relate it to what I was experiencing that week I realized that I hadn't thought of looking at my situation from another angle nor had I thought of removing myself from the situation in the way that my student did. You would think its common sense. Why didn't I stop responding to the text messages or ignore the calls? I felt as though for me to fully understand why I was stressed I needed to be present in every single experience related to the issue. My student made me realize I didn't have to do that, and it is alright to be involved in a situation but not give it 100% of your time and effort because that's not mentally healthy. Food for thought.
To experience what the world has to offer we must interact with each other in a way where the conversations that we're having and the things we’re doing allow us to learn new things. Constantly repeating the same things with no shift in your routine means you're not faced with anything new. You're having experiences, yes, but you're not feeling anything new, you're not learning. You're stuck in a monotonous routine. You're with the same five people having the same conversations revolving around the same three topics, you're eating the same food, visiting the same restaurants and you're going to the same clubs. We shouldn't devalue the impact of change, nor should we downplay the importance of being humble and receptive to new information regardless of its source. Sometimes the ‘new’ thing we meet might be irrelevant to our own personal growth and development but one day it might be information that changes someone else’s life.
If someone asks me something and I am unsure of what to say the best response is to direct them to resources where they can find out what they need and that's fine. We don't know everything. We can’t know everything. The reality of life is that there's always something new and exciting coming up. We are always finding out new information, history is being made every single day and we meet new people and have opportunities to learn so much from them.
I spend a lot of time reading. I always have a book in my hand, or my phone and I buy books quite often. I enjoy reading biographies and other nonfiction but 70% of my books are fictional. Recently, I got into a series that was absolutely incredible. I was in shock. It’s a trilogy and I was crying at every single book, so it was only right to find out more about the author. The author is 15 years old and based on their profile they have lived an incredible life. I found it so interesting that I was learning new words and having new emotional experiences because of a 15-year-old. I learned so much about things that I would never have thought about on my own because the 15-year-old wrote a trilogy that touched me in a way that prompted self-reflection.
The goal is to show that we can learn from anyone, and we shouldn't discredit anyone’s experiences because of bias or prejudice. As I've mentioned earlier, just because something doesn't work for you doesn't mean that it isn't relevant to someone else.Recently my review of a book was published (YAYYY) and I remember thinking, my review would offer a new insight into a book that so many people had read. A member from the publishing team reached out to me privately and said parts of my review made him rethink the way he spoke about the book. I was thrilled. Someone I admired also admired my work and was inspired by it. Moments like that remind me to always share my opinions regardless of my anxiety or already proven theories because someone could learn from me.
I don't know where this is going but I do hope that we’re more attentive and present in conversations and have more adventures. It's important that we have room in ourselves for growth and not just for professional development or to have something else on our resume to get a promotion in six months. We should aspire to learn from everyone everywhere. I hope we all check in with ourselves regularly and ask questions like ‘Am I teachable? How well do I respond to criticism? Am I able to admit wrong and adapt to a new perspective? That is all I have for you this month. Thank you for entertaining my thoughts😊
How far will we go to enforce our beliefs?
Do you like me? Why? Is your perception of me based on direct interaction with me or is it a preconceived notion based on secondhand information or prejudice? (not that I care)
I was reading my Bible a while back, John chapter 4 verses 1-26 which is the story of Jesus meeting the Samaritan woman. In verses 7-9 where Jesus asked the woman for some water, she responded by saying he’s a Jew and she’s a Samaritan so how could he ask her for help. They’re different people who believe in different things.
What I want to talk about has been on my mind for a while and this story kind of compelled me to put it down somewhere. I mentioned earlier that the lady was dumbfounded by Jesus asking her for water because of the differences of their ethnicity. Jews and Samaritans have nothing to do with each other. Isn't it interesting how we let our differences dictate the way we interact with each other? I’m not saying its inherently a bad thing, in some instances it is quite necessary. It’s well and good to have faith in something, its encouraged to feel passionate about something, but I think it sometimes crosses a line where these difference or “you believe in this, and I believe in that” becomes “I am unable to help you.”
Something as basic as giving someone water as I’ve read is laden with geopolitical and ethnic issues that prevents an act of kindness. We are so blinded by our differences that we denounce the humanity of others. I am this thing, and you are that thing, I am Christian you are atheist, I am Jamaican you are Barbadian (the island wars lowkey be fun on twitter), this difference that we have means I cannot extend basic decency. It is upsetting but I know that I too have been guilty and most probably will be guilty of this same thing. Nobody’s perfect, but for us to stoop this low…
Again, I'm not saying separation isn’t warranted. The labels attached to some people rightfully makes us wary of them. We can’t like everyone, its not possible. But we must ask ourselves, does this difference between me and this other human -flesh, and blood just like me- mean that they are unworthy of kindness and care? Because someone likes what I find grotesque, does that mean they shouldn’t be loved and supported? What I find funny is if you ask these questions without much context the average response would be along the lines of we’re all humans, and we should treat others with kindness. But when it comes down to practicing what we’re saying, its completely different.
If I know a person is a rapist, I won’t want anything to do with them. I’m an upstanding citizen while yure a criminal. If I see you on the street, I will keep walking. If you fell in a ditch my first thought would be, “serves you right. That’s what you get.” My initial reaction would not be to help you because of this major difference between us. In the case of the Bible story where there was national/ ethnic difference… that shouldn’t mean that we cannot help each other.
We’re at a time in the world’s history where things that were hidden are slowly being highlighted and because of that, we’re seeing an increase in disregard for human life and human access to basic necessities. We think of ourselves so much better than another person because we have this and they don’t, we are this and they’re something different. I live here and you live there. All these little captions on IG (I’m being very generic here) “I live where you vacation.”
We live in the tropics and the perception of our region (the islands) is through rose-tinted glasses of sun, sea, drinking, a lot of food, coconuts, rasta men with incredible sexual prowess, carnival, and the constant celebration of female sexual promiscuity (not mad at this, I’m right there with yall). This perception of the Caribbean is internalized, and we use it as a line of demarcation. Even though this perception sometimes negatively impacts the region, we seem to revel in it. ‘You have to pay to come here but I live here anyway.’ Something as simple as that, maybe not so simple as there are the socioeconomic differences about access to this by both locals and “others” but this isn’t about that.
And then racial differences…. I don’t even want to touch this. BTW for reference, reverse racism doesn’t exist. Racism faced by people of African descent anywhere is systematic. Needed to get that out of the way. Moving on.
The consensus is that we need food and water to survive but you would see things and hear things of people being denied access to basic things because of the color of their skin. It begs a few questions. Is our practice of decency limited only to what/who we like? Is the humanity of people measured on a scale that shifts boundaries frequently? How much does a person weigh regarding their economic value in our society? Do they weigh less than this thing and if they’re below a certain bar does that mean that we disregard their humanity? Does it mean they are less than and WILL be treated less than?
Its just sad that at the end of the day, whether or not a person deserves help is predicated on how similar or different they are to us. Going back to the Bible story, Jesus told the Samaritan woman to go to her husband but none of the 5 men she had relationships with were hers and she was ashamed. Now if you find out about someone in your community who is sleeping with 5 married men, they will all be ostracized by a section of the community, but the woman will face higher social punishment. We all see it though; women will stick with their husbands regardless for various reasons. That could be love, financial necessity, for physical protection, codependency, and even abuse. The husbands are labeled as cheater but will still have a “stable” family situation while the reputation of the woman is ruined. (Not that she didn’t see this coming because girl… have some self-respect. 5 at once is doing too much). Why do we treat the people in these scenarios differently and hold them up to different standards? How far are we willing to go to enforce or shift boundaries?
Anyways, this is where my mind is right now. I hope we think about what our actions say about who we are inside before we dismiss anyone. Inherently, are we the good person we say we are, or people perceive us to be?
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